I remember the guilt like yesterday. I remember the crime as well, but twenty years later it hardly seems like something to have been so ashamed of.
I was a single mom struggling with depression. I wanted to be happy and cheerful but it took a conscious effort to be pleasant–and that day I had failed at my efforts. I lay in bed that night feeling guilty for being such a miserable mom when my toddler deserved more from me. I knew the cause of my attitude’s downward spiral: Country music.
I was completely serious as I tearfully asked God to forgive me for listening to the heartbreaking lyrics that set me in self-pity mode. I loved Country music before I lived it. I’d heard that if you played the song backward you would get your husband, car, house and pets back but that wasn’t working for me. I was stuck with a life I hadn’t chosen and so was my son. It wasn’t fair, but I had a beautiful, energetic little boy who I wanted to enjoy and who didn’t deserve for me to squelch his joy.
That’s when I felt what I call a “Holy hug,” which is when you almost hear, see or feel God Himself.
“Remember when your boy gave you that dandelion the other day?” “Yea.” I thought, “It was so sweet and made me feel so special. I didn’t care that it was a wilted weed.” “That’s how I feel, my daughter, when you offer yourself to me. I really don’t mind that you are a mess; I just want your heart. ”
The Sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and a contrite heart–these, O God, You will not despise. Psalms 51:17
Catrina Welch is an image- and life-coach whose message is not as much “what not to wear” as it is, “Know Who You Are,” which is the title of her book of guidelines for your personal image identity. Catrina has also written a Bible study to help women overcome their confidence conflicts; it is titled Supreme MakeOver: a Rich and Refreshing Devotional Experience. Her other books include Footprints Through the Sand: a Consolidation of Life-altering stories about Loving and Losing our Trisomy-18 Baby and Confident Beauty: Reflecting the One Who Made You with the Images in Your Mirror and Your Soul, which will be available in book stores this spring. All of these books are available now at www.CatrinaWelch.com