Most Confidence Conflicts are rooted in the human need for validation.
Which woman amongst us doesn’t want to be seen, heard and loved? Don’t we all want to be valuable to someone? How often do you need to hear you are accepted and appreciated?
A typical male response to these common female needs (Not that they don’t have the same needs, but they tend to be less emotional about it.) is to be insensitive and very logical. “I told you I loved you on our wedding day.” “Of course I care for you, why do you think I go to work everyday?” Validation is an emotional need, and it simply isn’t satisfied with logic. But perhaps a little bit of logic will help us to find the satisfaction we need.
Think this through with me:
We want men to satisfy our emotional need for validation.
Men are logical.
Do we really want them to become more emotional? Or can we learn to appreciate their strengths and have grace for their weaknesses?
I believe that when we figure out how to do that, we can expect them to do the same for us. Maybe our confidence in them will inspire them to live up to our expectations.
I can almost hear your response (I have had this discussion with many women before) so let me tell you that I know this is not easy. I understand you may have tried before and that it is horribly frustrating to have your needs belittled time and again. It is true that this whole approach can be a Catch 22. The needs we have as women are often very different than the ones our counterparts have. Without grace, wisdom and patience we can hurt each other out of our own need, causing his need to be greater, which in turn makes him less apt to meet our needs… it can become a fatal spiral toward the divorce court.
There is a powerful tactic that can break the cycle of this emotional turmoil. I discovered it after facing a painful divorce myself. I married a strong and godly man who showed me this secret: do not rely on man for validation of any kind. People change, and their opinions change even more. The purest source of confidence is found in Christ alone. If Jesus desired you so deeply that He suffered and died for your freedom, why do you seek anyone else’s approval? Seek Him and you will find a satisfaction that has no need for man’s validation.
Catrina Welch is an image- and life-coach whose message is not as much “what not to wear” as it is, “Know Who You Are,” which is the title of her book of guidelines for your personal image identity. Catrina has also written a Bible study to help women overcome their confidence conflicts; it is titled Supreme MakeOver: a Rich and Refreshing Devotional Experience. Her other books include Footprints Through the Sand: a Consolidation of Life-altering stories about Loving and Losing a Trisomy-18 Baby and Confident Beauty: Reflecting the One Who Made You with the Images in Your Mirror and Your Soul, which will be available in book stores this spring. All of these books are available now at www.CatrinaWelch.com