Anniversaries are inconsiderate; especially the sad ones.
If you’ve ever lost someone, you know what I mean. Greif is such a sporadic mix of emotions it is simply unfair that the calendar even attempt to dictate which ones to feel when.
All year long we attempt to keep our focus on whatsoever things are good, noble, just, pure, lovely and of good report. (Philippians 4:8) When memories bombard us, we look for any thing praiseworthy, and do our best to focus on that. But on the day of our loved one’s death, (or birth, or any special day we had with them!) there is a certain shame on us as poor parents/children/friends/spouse if we do not focus on those memories and shed a tear or two.
Last night I went to bed feeling the traditional guilt that comes when happiness dominates the sorrow a day should bring. March 1,1999 had a number of memories that could have brought me down into depression had I let them; but I didn’t. Instead I spent some time praying for others who are presently overwhelmed, like I had been, with all the pressures involved in managing the house, job, family and special needs of their sick children. The hardest part of loosing Rebecca was that I had let the stress I was under rob my time with her, especially that last day. Thirteen years ago today, March 2nd, we woke up to find our beautiful baby girl lifeless.
Yesterday’s lack of emotion was replaced this morning with vivid flashbacks and a raging sea of sorrow, fear, frustration, anger… I even snapped at my husband. I think I wanted him to feel as I did. Now I feel foolish that I’m still a basket case so many years later.
Maybe grief is simply a game that can’t be won. I’m not sure, but one thing I do know: it’s wrong to even want someone else to feel the same way I do! Especially the one I vowed to love through better and worse.
I’m sorry, Ronny, one of the greatest tools we have found through all this pain is our commitment to each other that we will not compare or judge one another’s feelings, but to help each other survive one crashing wave at a time.
What ever you are feeling today, cast your cares on the One who does feel them with you, and may the joy of the Lord be your strength.